It’s our ACTIONS not our Words..

A few days ago, while in a  place where I never expected this to happen, I ran straight into the adult child of  someone who, for all intents and purposes, should be my friend some almost three decades.

But we are not.

That friendship ended abruptly a few years ago.  It broke my heart, but it had to be severed at the root. Here’s why.

Her values did not align with mine and I started to see things as our children were growing up together that I had willed myself to ignore by  saying things like ” people are different” etcetera and while I was in no place to judge, my gut told me that I was in a vortex with someone who believed the world owed them something, blamed everyone but themselves for every thing that went wrong in their life and allowed the children to do things that just did not sit well with me at all.  The only time I heard her take “responsibility” it came in the form of being a fool for getting caught up with such-and-such or her life would be better.

The children being disrespectful? Someone else’s fault

Not doing well in school? Excuse after excuse.

Where she lived and how she lived? Yep, you guessed it, that was the problem of any number of people.

Here was a bright person, with a quiet demeanour and a sweet smile, who carried around a darkness quite unlike anything I have ever seen and to this day, I know she has not accepted responsibility for her behaviours.  What she essentially taught her children was the following;

If someone is doing better than them in life, those people were LUCKY.

It is easier to sweet-talk people into helping you find a place to stay, buy whatever items you may need ( because that is what REAL friends do.) When they stop agreeing with you, move on to the next person.

Life owes you something not the other way around.

They are a mess because ( name the litany of things their father and everyone else in their circle is responsible for.)

You get the gist.

One instance I will never forget:

her husband bought her a brand new car with less than 10 miles on it and as we were test driving this spanking new thing and I was jumping for glee, she looked forlorn. When I said” aren’t you thrilled?” she replied” I like it but it should have been a top model car like a BMW because such-and-such Husband already bought hers…”  The alarm bells that went off in my head that day…. it stuck with me too. took me a few more years to sit up and see just what was in front of me and that our values did not align.

I walked away when I spoke up about her children and their behaviours towards adults among other things. Of course, she did not like it one bit and that was the end-of-that after years of friendship. So, when I ran into this young person, and started to listen, all I heard was the same “tape” playing and she sounded just like her mother.  I do not blame the child as they only emulated what they saw for years.  On a whim, I called another long time friend and what I was told, sealed for me that the right move was made on my part years ago.  The level of atrocities only got worse and we are now beginning to see the results in the children who are not doing well in school, have very little respect for authority and they are bouncing around with attitudes.  When dad tried to intervene, she allowed them to curse at him and cried in a corner about how he ruined all their lives.

We now have among us in society, young adults who could have been different if only they had someone responsibly guiding them to find who they were.  I still think about this person from time to time as we had some fond memories but the Universe in it’s infinite wisdom, knew we would not remain close forever and so I treasure the good memories but keep my distance.

I have said this time and again and I will continue to say it; our actions, not our words are what we pour into our children and lord do they ever speak volumes to others in the general public, good or bad.  Many among  us had horrific childhoods and it behoves us to do the work or we will see the pathology repeat itself in our children for generations to come.  When and where does the buck stop?

What is the story that our children are speaking about us?

There is no manual for raising children but some things never become stagnant like good manners, responsibility, character and respect.

It was not my intention to write this post until I saw this video below…. SHARE until your fingers hurt… please and thank you…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHi2dxSf9hw

Enough said