Category Archives: men
So I had to get an Uber for several Days in a row and I have come to the conclusion that many of those drivers listen to people confessing their souls while giving up a few confessions of their own
Chile listen… it ran from the ridiculous to the scary but this one dude made me gasp, smile and shake my head all at once..
When he got to my door and saw my infirmities, he hopped out his car, got my crutches and bags and was just wonderful in a way that told me he was special. His Hat was on backwards and when I got in his car, I noticed the back of his seat was almost reclined to a sleeping position.
He slid in and sat up with his seat just that way. I didn’t question because I have seen it way too much with young guys driving around in Philly.. they will keep chiropractors in business with that mess but I digress..
After asking if he could call me Miss Andrea and my answering in the affirmative, he proceeded to tell me that he was originally from Ohio but was transplanted to Reading at a young age and after feeling like he had too few opportunities, he moved here after meeting a young lady online and had been here in Philly now for a few months.
As he shared his life story, he said “you know, people judged and asked why I was making these moves and taking these risks and I told them I am the author of my book. I didn’t ask for editors and I am writing the story the way I see fit.” I damn near high fived the back of his head for those profound words of wisdom!
He went on to say, he was filled with nuggets but had a hard time taking his own advice.
Then it got real.
He said he would always choose women for their bodies and what was between their legs instead of what was between their ears and that he realized he was choosing Shallow intimacy over substance because he didn’t want to put in the work it required to have a good relationship.
He is so into this new woman who, from all accounts is so smart, he wonders Why she is with him, that he made a pact to NOT have intimacy with her for a year. He is coming to the end of that year and swears he loves and appreciates her all the more because they spent time learning about each other and doing things beyond the bedroom.
Well I’ll be.
His lesson and the way he chose to go about changing his habits, showed up this way and who am I to judge? He truly believes in the power of intention, following ones passion and hard work, after he met the owner of a Car dealership while being his waiter and the owner found him to be so personable, he offered to train and hire him to sell cars.
He went from making $7 an hour to 60k per year AND he Ubers on his days off! I love it!!
The tenacity of the human spirit is something else.
When we got to my destination, he took my stuff to the door of the building, shook my hands, thanked me for listening and odd he went.
I learned so much from him, not the least of which is to not stay stuck in your circumstances and to take bold leaps even if you can’t see where you will land.
We don’t get to judge people in their journey because it’s different from our own- our oath is simply that. Ours.
Dueces and mad love.
When my brain is full, I take comfort in finding the places that bring joy to my weary soul in an effort to rejuvenate myself.
Today that place was the Rangoon, which is still the only Burmese restaurant in Pennsylvania. Go figure. But the food? Made from scratch and is sinfully good.
So there I entered with my lunch companion, who roared when the owner chirped out my name in a warm welcome, said she missed seeing more of me and told me which friends of mine had been in recently!
It’s like that.
I told her I would be celebrating my birthday with her food in a few short weeks and no less than 10 of us would be there to liven up the place. She giggled and my friend and I settled down to eat.
Here is where it got interesting.
A brother came rushing through the doors, dropped his jacket at the table next to ours, ran over to the owner and began ordering food. He began with. “I will have 2 L9’s, a soup and two of the chicken and broccoli dish!”
It took me a minute to realize he was eating in because he seemed to be in such a rush and of course, I had to mess with him.
You had a doubt?
He shared he has been visiting the restaurant for almost 20 years to my 14, and it’s one of his favorite places to eat. He was so personable, we kept chatting until his woman walked through the door. We said hello to her and went back to our respective lunches until my dishes showed up and his woman got my attention and asked what was I eating.
I looked at him and said. “Wait a minute. YOU have been coming here for 20 years and haven’t tried any of the things in front of me? Dude, you killing me!”
He laughed and replied no, so I promptly scooped a little from each of my dishes she was curious about and put it on her plate to try and while telling him he didn’t deserve any for slacking like this!😂😂
Of course, she loved it and I admonished him to stretch himself beyond the one dish he had been eating for 20 years and actually ask for a menu and allow his lady to choose next time.
Can you imagine? All those delightful dishes and he stuck with one. For 2 decades. I ain’t never heard of such!
I ear hustled as I ate and learned she was frustrated with his flirting and crossing the line with some women they both knew and he became squirmy when the topic of his phone and texts came up.
Lord. A player from the Himalayas.
Limited in menu choices and thinking too, I guess. He so needed another brother or person to sit and discuss a few things with him about life and choices because we could tell he didn’t have the right tools to deal with what was in front of him and that sister looked like she was at the end of her rope.
I don’t know what happened after they left, but I learned a lesson about really meeting people where they are. It was enough for him yo have discovered this place that he never thought to go beyond what he was comfortable with. I believe after his encounter with us though, he may change his choices next time around.
My lunch partner and I looked at each other and cracked up because we could see our husbands at his age probably doing some of the same things..
Whew Chile.. every day is an opportunity grow and learn should we choose to expand our minds. The alternative isn’t always pretty.
Dueces and mad love,
What a week this has been. I am still recovering from Hosting Thanksgiving dinner in our home and all the shenanigans of love that took place within.
My husband was feeling especially mushy for some inexplicable reason and at one point, sat on the porch with me saying how grateful he was for us. I reminded him we had guests after telling him I was grateful for his love too and so as we walked back into the confines of the house, he says from behind me to the entire family, “we have news to share, Andrea is having a baby.”
I kept walking to the kitchen as his crazy family members clapped in glee and without turning around I replied ” what the hell is wrong with you?”
He cracked up and told them he was playing and I thought that was the end of it.
Later on that night, I learned from his mother that she would not be opposed to us having a child and in fact, she was looking forward to it.
Now see here.
Did they forget I was a clapback of 50?
When I reminded them of my not so tender years, I heard ” Janet Jackson is 51 and she’s doing it!”
Ummm… my name ain’t Janet. It ain’t Jackson if you nasty either. Not to mention I am sane enough to know these eggs have done their final drop some two score and plenty years ago and they fitting to scramble and retire for good in these Fallopian tubes. And I have an excellent retirement plan called menopause awaiting their arrival
I spoke about it at length with my husband this morning and it seems he seriously has been thinking about it. I refrained from asking him to get his brain checked as we are now grandparents and instead worked hard to see and connect with his sentiments.
He agreed the baby-ship has sailed for us once I laid out the facts but was happy I heard him out.
Lawd have mercy..
Men should be able to get pregnant. I bet you it would alleviate some of this baby talk. Women aren’t toaster ovens who pop out little humans on cue. This is a lifetime thing and honey, our “baby” will be 21 in 3 months and seeking to live abroad once he finishes college.
I seee the horizon and it has no wailing babies that I can’t send back to its parents in it.
Hell does indeed go with no.
Dueces and mad love,
So A week ago, I went to a new place with my diva daughter to get our toes done (convenience) and somehow, the woman cut my heel with the machine and I didn’t realize it until I began to feel twinges of pain a day later.
And I ignored it.
I literally thought it was a surface scratch until two days ago when I climbed out of the bed, put pressure on the foot and winced. It only got worse and so by Thanksgiving morning, I had a gangsta limp but kept it from my husband so we could get through the day and all the company we were expecting.
Yesterday though? Chile listen. I was over talking the funk and asked him to take a look.
He was horrified at what he found and gave me that look while he collected all the things he would need to clean and add neosporin. He fussed at me while I was gritting my teeth, especially when the cleaning agent hit the wound, but I kept my mouth shut.
Once he got it cleaned, I stepped down and my foot felt so much better, I hugged him with pure gratitude.
I thought that was the end of it but this morning, he brought out his “doctor kit”again and proceeded to clean and dress the wound after I bathed without my asking.
It touched my soul watching him gently slide my sock on and then looking up to ask if I was okay..
These are the things that matter long term in a relationship- not the car we drive, the house we live in or even how many degrees we do or don’t have. Common decency that transcends what people sees every day really matters in ways we don’t always fully appreciate until we need it.
My husband can take my last nerve and pluck it for miles some days but guess what? I still wouldn’t trade him for all the tea in china.
Dueces and mad love ❤️
Mister and I share and banter with each other like no other as evidenced below. I posted this conversation on my facebook page last year…..
“So I’m fussing at hubby about making up the bed if he leaves the house after me and was winding up to give my reasons why when he walked over and lifted both my arms..”
Me: what are you doing?
Him: looking for the “return” sticker. I know you have one some where. I signed a money back guarantee for you.
The look on my face made him drop my arms and laugh so hard, I cracked up too despite myself…😂😂😂😂
It ain’t THAT easy to return me buddy…
“Every single day, we go back and forth and howl with laughter, because we so appreciate the genuineness we share with each other.”
“We also have this steadfast rule that we chat on Saturday mornings, before the world is awake and get caught up on our week. His days are 16 hours long and one would be hard pressed to catch me this side of the continent as I travel around for work.”
Stay with me because this is good.
After reading an article this morning, I turned to him and asked if he believes men should be the one to approach women and not the other way around. He paused and replied “we should never paint a broad brush over anyone or anything. It’s nice for us men to go seeking what we desire but it is equally nice to be desired ourselves. I think it’s okay for a woman to show interest if she has it.”
“That is interesting and I am so glad I asked you. So what makes it difficult for men when the like a woman?” I asked.
“When they are deliberately coy and play hard to get to the point where we turn the corner and get someone else. It should not feel that difficult.”
He shifted and looked at me and began to remind me how we met. He remembered key things like what I was wearing, what I said to the audience in the room but he was more struck by my authenticity and kindness to the people around me and wanted to know me better.
We cackled and howled to the blue corn moon when he said for a whole week in 2015 he simply did not like me for purging the house and throwing away everything.
We got to reminiscing when he shared about the one week we didn’t speak very early on in our relationship because we were upset with each other and he said it felt like the longest week of his life. He knew without a doubt then, he was going to figure out how to get me to marry him. I confessed I missed him horribly too.
He shared he cried for almost an hour on our wedding night because he was so filled with gratitude to finally have a wife who he could share everything with and would love him no matter what. He said he prayed hard for this to happen but when it did, he couldn’t fully express his happiness and it came out in tears.
We spoke about these misnomers floating around that people follow instead of their own soul which is why unhappiness abounds.
He took my hand and said “do you know why we have not once had a full blown argument about anything? I believe in the 5 second rule. If we take time to process things and not allow our emotions to spew negativity, anything is workable. I love you enough to never scream at you and I am certainly not going to lob obscenities your way. Not only would you not hear the message that would be lost in the screaming, It’s disrespectful to you and us as a couple. You are everything to me even when I drive you nuts.”
Lord Jesus. Did I say I love him? If more couples would talk things through, we could all deal with the crap life throws our way. My husband and I have had our fair share but he always reminds me that at the end of the day, we are it and he will die protecting what he prayed so hard for.
When you are able to feel a love like this, what does one do but return it?
I can’t ever tell anyone who they should choose but what I can say is this- see beneath the outer package and look at the heart and soul. Too many well dressed, well packaged empty souls are walking among us that can do untold damage if we aren’t careful.
Dueces and mad love Diva
I often wonder if we fully grasp what it means to have a long term relationship with anyone. It could be romantic, business or platonic in nature but they all require work in order to sustain them fully.
I look around me and see these relationships fall apart for many reasons but it all came back to not maintaining the health and viability of your partner.
Someone asked me a question last week that led to my wanting to delve into the romantic aspect of relationships here.
When we first meet and begin the process of getting to know a person, we should check the temperature of those feelings regularly by asking ourselves things like
–What are my motives?
-Do I truly like this person or is it something to do that deflects/detracts from loneliness?
– What shared values do we have beyond the initial attraction?
-Will we openly communicate in ways that works through any issues that will arise?
– Am I in this relationship to rebound from a failed one?
You get the gist right?
The way we enter a relationship, sets the tone for how it flows and it still requires work and checking in with each other regularly because life will get in the way.
Unhappiness breeds all kinds of malcontent when not addressed in a timely fashion. When we add marriage to the mix, that flame goes way up because you are now dealing with blended families and lord knows, everyone has an opinion whether you asked for it or not.
Leave and cleave is not a cute catch phrase. It really means something. If you gotta run back to momma every time you have a question, how do you develop relationship with your spouse?
If you allow your children to dictate your lives through whatever means they choose to employ, that will cause a serious rift.
If you gush about another person without fully acknowledging and routinely appreciating the one that lives with you, it’s cause for a situation.
Do not invite the opinion of others into the seriousness that is your life. Learn about your mate enough to know when to draw the line and pull back with compromise and love.
We say that we know relationships won’t be a bed of roses but the first time we get pricked with the thorn of life and see blood, we run for cover and end what could be a long term partnership
The flip side of that is hanging around and grasping at someone who consistently shows you with their actions you are not valued.
A relationship that begins on shady ground will feel like a trick from hell. One that is nurtured becomes a treat that keeps on giving. You decide through your choices.
Know thyself. Love thyself.
Dueces and mad love,
I was recently paid a visit from a home security sales rep who stopped by to discuss an additional service we required and when I opened the door to greet him, I noticed right away he had a Mercedes.
Not sure why I picked up on that because I don’t care what folks drive but it soon clicked into place. So we sat down to discuss costs etcetera and somewhere in the middle of it all, he asked if I was single to which I said no and wondered how he missed the rings that were clearly on my finger or that I was at least 20 years his senior.
Another minute went by and then I got the real story. His phone beeped, he looked at it, shook his head and said ” I am so tired Of these women out here that have all kinds of issues. I need to stop playing and figure out how to get a better quality.”
Chile. No he didn’t. I tilted my head. Clear sign I’m about to go IN.
“So let me see if I heard you correctly, you choose these women and they turn out to be bad apples. Did I hear you right?”
“Yes ma’am. They look so good on the outside but are so damaged that I can’t deal. I don’t like to argue or fight over foolishness.”
“So you CHOOSE the woman based on the way she looks physically and never checked the core values to see if she fully aligned with what you really needed past the initial cuteness. This isn’t about the women son, it’s about YOU. If you looked beneath the exterior of a car and saw that the engine was crappy, you wouldn’t buy it right? So you should try digging beneath the surface and stop using that car you own to hook and bait. Am I off base with my assessment?”
He grinned and dipped his head in agreement saying that the engine in his current car is giving him all kinda issues too so he’s about to buy another Mercedes.
He howled when I told him he chooses women like he chooses cars- shiny on the outside with a rotten core.😂😂
I invited him to do some introspection on HIS life and choices of mates or he will look up one day and realize he’s been dating for a thousand years with nothing to show for it.
At this point, we were nearing the end of our business and he commented that he learned quite a bit and did I ever think about being a relationship coach because I got him all the way together and pegged him in a way that was eerie 😂😂😂
I shook his hands and ushered his self absorbed behind to the exit of my house.
Sweet black Jesus of the corn.
What is within us shows up in the ways we behave daily. No matter how you dress up the exterior, that attitude and core beliefs immerges eventually as one can only pretend for so long.
Your energy mirrors back to you, the kind of person you are and this is where growth and mindset becomes critical. Cause what is worse than a fool? An older one.
If you ever wonder why you keep attracting the wrong mate, the answer comes back to you. We can’t fix a soul but ourselves so we gotta do the work to the place where we invite better choices to us
Dueces and Mad love
A few days ago, my eldest child flew home to visit albeit briefly, so we could see each other before he went off to handle his real purpose for being here- his fraternity and the brothers he formed a deep bond with. I was with him for less than 12 hours but we squeezed priceless moments within and my soul and heart were full when he left.
I wrote about this son a while back in a post where he had an encounter with a police officer https://lawfultrainer.wordpress.com/2013/07/14/innocence-of-a-child-forever-gone/
Even as we worked diligently to be certain he was okay and told him to keep achieving, he continues to defy and exceed any expectations anyone could have of him.
Quite simply, he’s determined to succeed and writes 5 and 10 year plans to keep his purpose in the forefront always. So earlier this year, 2 weeks before his 24th birthday, he had already graduated from college, works for a Great company that values and relocated him to another state and after just 11 months of living in said state, he closed on his very 1st home.
As remarkable as that was, he also bought that home with no financial help from his father and I. In fact, he insisted it was something he wanted to see if he could do and he did. We couldn’t believe how disciplined he was to save by not buying a new car when he graduated from college even as his peers were stunting with new rides all around him. He paid his bills on time and kept his credit score in a place many adults do not have and he stunned the banks when they saw he really saved and had a stable job at his age. Once he bought that home though, I flew in and helped him to furnish and buy appliances. He smiled and said I was “such a mommy” as if that was an insult!!😂😂😂
He is now 24 and as I listened to him discuss what his next set of plans entailed, I teared up remembering all he had gone through to get to this point and that his adversities only made him grow to the place where he is an incredible advocate of his rights and can see things from a point of view most miss.
He is a really quiet and profound cat that I am so proud to call SON. I caught a brief glimpse of his need for parent love when he walked up to hug me and just laid his head on my chest for a good two minutes. It was cathartic and healing to us both.
He credits his tenacity to having parents who aren’t afraid to work hard and achieve-he astutely learned certain traits we carry that he found to be beneficial in business and life and built upon that. I have no doubt we haven’t fully begun to see what he will accomplish. and while the house was filled with both my children and all their friends, when the nest emptied and those birds flew back to where they came from, they all left a piece of their love joy and peace with me..
Parents- raising children is the most challenging thing we will do and it never ends. We want to protect our children from danger and harm while we coach them on being able to thrive in environments away from us. If we could, we would shield them and keep their innocence firmly intact but life doesn’t work that way.
On this day, I pray you have the courage and strength to do what you know is right for your children and to seek advice when needed.
Those babies we carried and nurtured will one day become adults. How they get there depends upon you in those early years of learning and growth.
Dueces and mad love,
I awakened early this morning and convinced my husband to take us to our favorite stomping grounds for breakfast at 7 and he happily complied.
We had been both so busy that we decided to run all our errands while out and it wasn’t too long before We landed in a home improvement store and separated to seek The items we needed.
So there I was, looking for the perfect flower pot for an indoor plant when I noticed a man talking to himself and shaking his head in confusion.
I had mercy on his soul and asked if I could be of assistance…
Him: I’m trying to find two pots for my wife but I don’t know anything about this kind of stuff.
Me: indoor or out?
Me: okay then follow me..
I proceeded to ask what colors were in his house and helped him choose the perfect pots- and it was then He said “I love her so much, I’m willing to do stuff like this all out my element to make her happy.”
He thanked me and we parted ways but I couldn’t help but think how awesome that was for his wife as I went to find my man who would do similar things for me.
When a man loves a woman, nothing is too hard for him to do to see a smile on her face. It’s the kind of love we women strive to have but that only happens when the man sees something intangible in us that he doesn’t want live without and we don’t have to force it either.
He will also work hard on being able to provide for you while he is in hunt mode and this is where we as women have to be careful to not try and make everything okay or fix his life. What we may consider a love languge, often makes the men feel worse and while they accept being catered to, they ultimately are pulled by the woman that challenges and intrigues him on a level that keeps him wanting more.
We have standards and we should. Make no mistake about it though- Men do too. So if you desire to have a mate like the man who was happily going through unfamiliar territory for his wife, work on being your authentic self that will reveal the intangible that makes you irresistible to someone.
Dueces and mad love,