Category Archives: devious women

A Purpose worth the cost 

As a grown woman who has known my purpose since I was about 9 years of age, I have faced incredible odds riddled with everything in between and while I was not deterred, the cost was almost too steep at times.

Almost.

But you see  when one understands their life is not about them, One can ill afford to stop when they know too many other lives are held in the balance.

I had a good chuckle today, watching this particular woman do everything in her power NOT to speak or look in my direction.  Want to know why? She took the power she had and tried to stop a thriving program because SHE didn’t believe in it and when I heard, I sent word to her that not only would she fail at doing such, I would personally make it my mission to see those children DID well despite her back door tactics.

Well, those children did and continues to thrive based on the endless hugs and college degrees and successes I keep seeing almost daily. I knew it was a huge risk on my part because she is respected but if all she can do years later, is continue to hold the grudge by not speaking, I think  it was more than worth it. 

We have to be mindful as leaders that we don’t get above ourselves and forget the very  purposes we began with. Ego and greed dictates way too many of us and that never leads to a good place long term.

Each time I swished by her, she sunk a little Lower in her chair because the guilt of what she tried to do is probably eating her alive especially in light of the fact that she didn’t succeed.

She keeps drinking the poison of the grudge thinking it would harm me when she is killing herself. 

We need to get over ourselves already.
Don’t be like this person: lead with grace. Humility and kindness because at the end of the day,  we all have to answer for what we do to others.

Dueces and mad love,

Diva 

You a lie and the truth ain’t in you

One of the millennials I simply adore, texted recently and made the suggestion that I should blog about why men lie, and after chuckling to myself, I immediately called the first person I ask everything- Mister.

I knew he wasn’t going to be ready but when is he ever? I’m like that kid who asks a thousand questions from the time I wake up until I fall asleep- I was born inquisitive much to his everlasting consternation but it’s part of the package he signed up for.

So I called him with a soft and sweet greeting to get his guard down and pounced before he could take a good breath.

Me: babe, why do men lie?

Him: *deep deflated resigned sigh* because it’s often easier than telling the truth.

I gave the phone my deepest side eye but kept my voice on an even keel because the poor man hasn’t done a thing wrong but here I was asking him to explain men in general everywhere.

Me: that’s it? It doesn’t go beyond that? Why does it seem so easy for guys to lie?

Him: babe, because it’s you and I know we can talk about everything, the truth is really what I said above. 

Me: what causes the breakdown that leads to the lies? What are we missing? Do men usually leave their wives for other women or is that a myth?

Him: when men lie about cheating, it’s often because someone excited them or gave them something different from the norm at home. The intention is to never leave the woman they are with because he loves her. He Just wanted some variation. But that comes from not communicating wants or needs in a way that both parties hear.

Me: then why get married or be in a relationship if you know you can’t be faithful? Why not just hang out then?

Him: babe no one in their right mind spends that kind of money to get married thinking they will divorce. It all comes back to respecting each other, and I cannot over emphasize communication.

Me: why did YOU get married AFTER all that time of being single?  you certainly had enough hoochie mamas waiting in the wings judging by the side eyes I get from Some of them when we run into friends of yours🙄

Him: simple. I met the ONE Person who I immediately wanted to give up any vices for. The one woman who I would throw away everything for to see a smile on her face, the one woman who made my heart happy just thinking about her, the one woman who I would share anything with, the one woman who is a daily reminder that I am a blessed man and to never forget it. That is the FIRST time in my many years in earth, I felt this way fully about any woman. 

Me: wow. So you don’t lie to me?

Him: I tried lying a few times about stupid things like putting stuff in its right place but it seems you knows me better than I know myself and those blazing eyes of yours told me to quit before it was too late😂😂 

Which brings me back to men lying to keep the peace. It doesn’t come from a malicious place.

Me: good lord. 

Him: men KNOW babe, if a woman is someone he can see long term or if she is just isn’t.  We of course don’t tell her that because it’s fun while it lasts.

Me: so what if a woman lies about cheating etcetera- does the double standard applies?

Him: yup. A man is a playboy, the woman is a whore. Men are ultra sensitive about their women being with anyone else. 

Me: well I’m more confused than ever. 

Him: don’t be. It really just boils down to this- we were conditioned as boys to not hurt your feelings and so we learned to lie so you could always feel good. By the time we became adults, we polished those lies to perfection to keep the peace and we are still horrible at it because we inevitably get sloppy and get caught. When we love you- fully love you- we resist the temptations and urges to be anywhere else but our mates. Women are Wily too.. Do you know how many times I have seen married women in relationships with other men? It’s an alphabet soup of cheating out here. Bottom line? The propensity is there for us to all lie. It’s called being human.

Open communication keeps that madness away but we get caught up in life, stop talking and then, well, we lie.

My Mister- always open to the deep conversations. If this didn’t answer the age old question of why men lie, lay down, take 2 common sense pills and chase it down with mature water and call me in the morning..
Deuces and mad love,

Diva 

Dangerous meanness.. 

Allow me to preface this piece by stating the obvious- I don’t know everything, cannot solve everything and am still learning, sometimes moment by moment.

What I do instinctively know? When you spend your very existence choosing to do major shifts that ultimately becomes all about yourself, the price for that is incalculable.
Let me stop speaking in a parables and tell you what’s brewing on my mind.

There is a phenomenal person who  took it upon themself to bring a solid vision they had to life and has had some successes with said vision. Almost immediately though, despite being supported by large swaths of people and organizations so this vision could continue to grow and bear fruit, this person alienated many by dismissing their efforts and making it all about themselves and that they did all the work etcetera.
Just mean, cold and nasty in a way that left a distaste for said person and folks began walking away.

What is even scarier though, are the “yes” foot soldiers who sees all of this happening but say nothing and continues to support the mission despite the abuse because it’s one that supports and empowers impressionable minds.

The problem with that? When you leave that kind of behavior unchecked, it becomes a monster and now even the impressionable young minds are complaining about being marginalized and emotionally abused at the hands of said person, and parents are questioning the meaning of it all.

So, I am speaking now not just to self serving leaders but those who follow them even to their own peril- woe unto YOU because nothing you put into the universe comes back to you void. You will find no peace until you make right, the behaviors that continues to destroy from the inside what looks glorious on the outside.

Find your center-do your work with intention and speak up followers when you see your leadership going down a path that isn’t healing. Your silence is not golden and you should never fear anyone to the point where you cower and continue to allow the dismantling of fragile children to keep the peace.

Because at the end of the day? The stifling of what is right to be likable or not rocking the boat because you don’t want that level of meaness  aimed your way, means you too will be held accountable for those lives. One way or another.

So what’s it gonna be?  The price is to pay is too steep and there will come a day when you will have to balance that account.
Mad love and peace

Diva.

Bitter Brew from the ex’s Stew…

I have often wondered what happened with some relationships that keeps the woman angry and dare I say, bitter long after it has ended? I have been divorced and had a couple of failed relationships and each time after a period of hurt and some anger, managed to heal and move on.

I’m am just astounded by the amount of women who are still trying to remain relevant years after the relationship has ended and it’s usually through the children. What purpose does that serve exactly?

The short term joy you feel from making your ex pull at his hair in exasperation, is nothing in comparison to the long term damage it causes the children who are the unintended pawn in it all.

And don’t let the man find happiness and marry a new woman. It’s like a holy war has begun. The time and energy spent trying to make him ” feel your pain” keeps you from experiencing your own new Joy with someone else.

I know way too many women stuck in a time warp of hate, only to look up years later and see how stuck they were in vitriol and essentially left behind. I’m sure men do this too but this blog is especially for my angry and consumed women.

When the children’s lack of performance in school is used to blame for daddy no longer being in the home, you are wrong.

When you encourage mediocrity in school so daddy will come calling or running in frustration, you are wrong.

When you tell your son consistently that daddy is the reason why you are ” suffering” and discuss daddy’s new love with anger and hate, you are wrong.

When you force the children to choose between you and their father, you are wrong.

I could go on but you get the point.

Instead of constantly standing over a cauldron of hate, anger and hurt, stirring all day, step away from the hot pot, take several deep breaths and own your part in the demise of this relationship.

Then remove that apron of guilt, take a bath in love and peace and move on with your life.

Nothing is more unattractive than a bitter person dressed up in heels and a fake smile.

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We liked you until he likes you more…

Imagine this scenario if you will: man meets woman, falls in love and decides to take her with stars in his eyes, to meet his family.

He is happily introducing her to everyone but his new girlfriend feels a tad funny because there is a “vibe” in the air she can’t put her fingers on. She smiles, answers all their questions and pretends to not see the furtive eye glances between family members.

Months go by, and it feels like maybe, the family are now accepting the new girlfriend. She learns her man is the backbone of the family and everyone calls him for everything. This piques the interest of the girlfriend because it is assumed that all it takes is a phone call for her love to drop everything, including her, to see about their needs.

As time goes on, he becomes more involved with his girlfriend and while he is still available, he is no longer as accessible because he is building a life with her and creating a family of his own.

And then, it happens. His mother, begins to make snide comments that since he has his woman, they can’t find him and it’s beginning to feel like he is a stranger to them. She goes further to say, this is how every woman he ever had, took him away from them and she sees that his girlfriend may be too strong of a personality for her son, who is easily “manipulated “when he’s in love.

The smiles and hugs they had for his woman, becomes half-hearted hellos and once warm embrace are now so cold, she needs a blanket to recover.

Try as they might, the family cannot “rid” themselves of this woman, who by all accounts, has made their son very happy.

It’s is a few years into the relationship and the son decides he wants to marry his girlfriend. Folks have just now gotten downright hostile and begin leveling accusations that their dear son/brother/ nephew deserves better than a woman who would keep him away from them.

Man stands up to his family and in no uncertain terms, let’s them know he sees what they are doing, he’s grown and is capable of making good sound decisions without their input. The family backs off because they don’t want to lose him but his poor girlfriend/wife has never been treated the same or has to spend years proving herself.

Sounds familiar to anyone? The
Scenario above has played out a thousand times in households where mothers feel no one is good enough for their child and will go so far as to create a wall so thick and high, thereby forcing their grown child to choose.

It is a self defeating habit that must cease if you want to have peace in your families. We all have choices to make. We all make mistakes. We all learn from them
But life cannot be handled for us by meddling family members. It makes no earthly sense that a grown man, still has to report to his mother daily or she will be upset. Something is very unhealthy with this scenario and it all begins when our children are yet small.

We have a small window to raise them but the ultimate goal is to make them self-sufficient beings who will make good choices in life. If the choice Is removed through coddling, meddling parents, too many people stand to lose too much.

Do your job. Raise your children and then stand down.

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When you feel the “Tea” AND “shade” coming your way…

As a mother, entrepreneur, friend and community activist, I find myself dealing with all kinds of folks from all walks of life on a regular basis. As life would dictate, sometimes we run into people who, for no apparent reason at least to us, that are just hell bent on throwing angst our way. In the black community, we call that throwing “tea” and “shade.”
It takes a serious case of maturity to ignore and not internalize angst being thrown your way, but sometimes, one must take more than a deep breath and count way past ten, so you can see clearly enough to respond. Or not.
I have been challenged by some of the most unlikely people, in some of the most unlikely places but it took my standing fully, all five feet ten inches of grace and determination with no apologies, to make folks understand that I meant business. At that crucial point, I have either been labeled aggressive , a bitch or the best one- intimidating.

So here’s the deal; when you walk fully in authenticity- living a life of purpose that is healing in some way to those around you, no matter what comes your way, do not give up. “Tea”and “shade” have been thrown at anyone who dares to believe in the power of their dreams and are leaders in every sense of the word.

If you remember that a box was designed to contain, you will never stay in any that was designed for you. Here are a few simple things to do when faced with containment;
1). Always affirm what you do by remaining grateful even for the smallest of things.
2). Choose to be happy because nothing lasts forever.
3). If you feel it is needed, simply ask the offender if they need to have a conversation with you as you are picking up “vibes” they may not realize they are emitting with you. Be clear if said conversation happens, to walk away affirming that you were heard and you listened.
4). Learn to “read” why you are being targeted because it is often that you possess something naturally that the other person lacks.
5). Do not carry that angst around like a bag of flour. Leave it right there and walk away after discussing it with someone you trust.
6). Meditate. It will make things come fully into focus and leave you clear not only on your next move but give you peace.
7). Choose kindness and love. Every time. You never know how or where you will cross paths with people again.

A few years ago, some team members and I attended a national conference fully ready to learn from other participants and impart what worked for us in our neck of the woods.

We were all peers and so when asked to give an example of what worked for my group, I stood up and in true diva fashion, regaled the room with an instance that gave me pause, much to the delight of the entire conference. Except these two sisters.

As we all spoke and shared, they rolled their eyes, refused to speak when spoken to except who they deemed important, and was condescending in their comments each time I added something to the process.

I paid them no attention as I was very clear, they were insecure about the perceived power I carried into a room and they looked for ways to negate what came naturally to me.
My team members and others were perturbed, but I reminded them the behavior was a reflection on those women, not me.

I never lost my stride and kept being kind until they realized folks noticed what they were doing.

That was the last time I saw them at that annual conference, and I was later told they had such a hard time working with anyone, it became impossible for them to remain effective.
They threw Tea and I sat comfortably under their Shade sipping grace, good manners and love.
The rest is history.. Watch your behavior; you never know who is picking up and making a note of it, to your own detriment. If you dislike working with others, choose a different path. And learn the lessons that come your way or you will continue to be life’s teacher of what not to do.