Category Archives: marriage

The unselfishness of it all..

So my husband and I spent 10 blissful days in Hawaii over the holidays to not only rejuvenate our souls, but to shore up and reconnect as a couple because our collective work schedules can be brutal.

We often would carve out Saturday mornings for our weekly catch up if I am not traveling and we work as one vibrational team,  which means we pick up where the other isn’t able to in the moment. So imagine my shock when he sat me down after watching me frolick in warm waters at sunset in Honolulu … and what he said, made me take a pause for the cause.

He said his greatest WISH when we first got married, was to NOT move me into his current home because it needed all kinds of TLC (he ain’t NEVA lied) and he knew I had lived in this great place for over 25 years raising my own two children. Frankly, he said he was embarrassed and just wanted to do a quick sale, move on to a place of my choosing and start anew with another  mortgage.

He was shocked he said, when I looked him dead in the eyes, told him it made NO sense to start another mortgage at our ages and while the house needed a ton of work, I was willing to put in the time, energy and money with him to get it done.

He said I shocked him FURTHER when he offered to at least upgrade my car and I cackled with a thanks and said I would much prefer to keep the one that is already paid in full.

I am silently listening to all of this with my heart full because I truly loved him enough to get in the trenches with him and didn’t realize he struggled with what I opted to do.

He then said that he had never seen that kind of unselfishness and that many other women would have taken him up on the offer to move pronto with their nostrils turned up. It was that unselfishness however that solidified his love in a way that made him say if anyone dares to hurt me, he would take action in ways that would stun them because no way was he jeopardizing what we have built together.

Our home isn’t just beautiful to LOOK at now, it’s also filled with warmth and LOVE. These things are important.  Flashy things bring temporary joy- it’s who we are at the core that matters.

When we say we care about someone, it should not come with a bunch of superficial conditions. Rather, we should  work together as a team to reach where we desire to be together and if the core of our love depends on where we live, the square footage of our Homes and what we drive, it’s only a matter of time before the cracks begin to show.

If we want a full manifestation of goodness and light, we have to be it in all we say and do. If and when my husband and I decide to move from where we are currently, it will be a decision we make together and not for the benefit of anyone whims or fancy. Because at the end of the day? All we TRULY have to depend on? Is that core love we walked in the door with. We know enough to understand that life is cyclical and when hard times come, without the core in place, trouble is not far behind.
I love my nerd y’all. Believe that.

Dueces and mad love,

DivA

The way THESE eggs are set up…

What a week this has been. I am still recovering from Hosting Thanksgiving dinner in our home and all the shenanigans of love that took place within.

My husband was feeling especially mushy for some inexplicable reason and at one point, sat on the porch with me saying how grateful he was for us. I reminded him we had guests after telling him I was grateful for his love too and so as we walked back into the confines of the house, he says from behind me to the entire family, “we have news to share, Andrea is having a baby.”

I kept walking to the kitchen as his crazy family members clapped in glee and without turning around I replied ” what the hell is wrong with you?”

He cracked up and told them he was playing and I thought that was the end of it.

Later on that night, I learned from his mother that she would not be opposed to us having a child and in fact, she was looking forward to it.

Now see here. 

Did they forget I was a clapback of 50? 

When I reminded them of my not so tender years, I heard ” Janet Jackson is 51 and she’s doing it!”

Ummm… my name ain’t Janet. It ain’t Jackson if you nasty either. Not to mention I am sane enough to know these eggs have done their final drop some two score and plenty years ago and they fitting to scramble and retire for good in these Fallopian tubes. And I have an excellent retirement plan called menopause awaiting their arrival

Chile no.

I spoke about it at length with my husband this morning and it seems he seriously has been thinking about it.  I refrained from asking him to get his brain checked as we are now grandparents and instead worked hard to see and connect with his sentiments.

He agreed the baby-ship has sailed  for us once I laid out the facts but was happy I heard him out.
Lawd have mercy.. 

Men should be able to get pregnant. I bet you it would alleviate some of this baby talk. Women aren’t toaster ovens who pop out little humans on cue. This is a lifetime thing and honey, our “baby” will be 21 in 3 months and seeking to live abroad once he finishes college.

I seee the horizon and it has no wailing babies that I can’t send back to its parents in it.

Hell does indeed go with no.

Dueces and mad love,

DivA

The agony of da feets 

So  A week ago, I went to a new place with my diva daughter to get our toes done (convenience) and somehow, the woman cut my heel with the machine and I didn’t realize it until I began to feel twinges of pain a day later.

And I ignored it.

 I literally thought it was a surface scratch until two days ago when I climbed out of the bed, put pressure on the foot and winced. It only got worse and so by Thanksgiving morning, I had a gangsta limp but kept it from my husband so we could get through the day and all the company we were expecting.

Yesterday though? Chile listen. I was over talking the funk and asked him to take a look.

He was horrified at what he found and gave me that look  while he collected all the things he would need to clean and add neosporin. He fussed at me while I was gritting my teeth, especially when the cleaning agent hit the wound, but I kept my mouth shut.

Once he got it cleaned, I stepped down and my foot felt so much better, I hugged him with pure gratitude. 

I thought that was the end of it but this morning, he brought out his “doctor kit”again and proceeded to clean and dress the wound after I bathed without my asking.

It touched my soul watching him gently slide my sock on and  then looking up to ask if I was okay..

These are the things that matter long term in a relationship- not the car we drive, the house we live in or even how many degrees we do or don’t have. Common decency that transcends what people sees every day really matters in ways we don’t always fully appreciate until we need it.

My husband can take my last nerve and pluck it for miles some days but guess what? I still wouldn’t trade him for all the tea in china.

Dueces and mad love ❤️ 

DivA

The bullet I dodged..

So mister must have sensed I had taken a small break at work because he called and asked if I had a few minutes to chat.Me: sure, what’s up?

Him: If you knew all the things you know about me now, would you have still married me?
Me: *dramatic pause* I mean… in hindsight, I am glad we never lived together or shared bills before we got married because I was spared the delightfulness known as shock-to-the- brain. 😂 It makes sense now, why some of your family wondered about me because I get Things done no matter what IT is AND with alacrity. You are content to just mosey along with not a care in the world unless its robotic in nature.

Him: hey, I was attuned enough to know you deserved to be loved in a most special way and I was just the guy to do it. So do I get points for that? 😏

Me: jackpot baby. Yes you do.

So the answer to your original question is NO, I would not have married you because I would have been nuts and trying to “fix” stuff which have led to my feeling hopeless and not feeling forever and a damn day.That was NOT my role as your girlfriend but it is as your wife and I am happy to stand right beside you. You are a kind, decent and happy sloth. I love you for so much more beyond that though and dating you for five years helped me to appreciate the total package that is you.

I think he breathed a sigh of relief as he got off the phone to resume teaching😂😂 I ain’t going nowhere and I am eternally grateful he accepted me just as I am too. 

Our commonalities are greater than our differences and I wish more among us would take on and appreciate the art of dating before getting married instead of the alternative, only to realize you don’t like the creature you hitched yourself to.

And ladies- kill the mother instincts and slow down on trying to fix  our partners. If we were all Perfect people, what would we have to fuss about? A tiny bit of acceptance and understanding goes a long way.

Trust me on this.
Dueces and mad love 

DivA

Inebriation and the ultimate loss of control 

Some sister friends and I decided to gather and get our entire selves  together and so we found a great suite and commenced to sitting and discussing what is our lives…

After hours of emptying our collective minds, we decided to call it an evening at midnight and headed towards the elevator back to our room.

So we stood there giggling at how tired we were, when the elevator opened and within, was what I could only describe as “thank Gawd this wedding is over and we can turn up” adults who already looked lit. Judging by the noise and glazed smiles on their faces.

I said to them ” y’all know it’s midnight right? Why are you all looking so wide awake and up to no darn good?” They roared and all piled out heading to lord knows where.

We got on the elevator, looked at each other and cracked up!  Just as the door was closing, one of the bridesmaids jumped back in with a cup and some sort of orange liquid and began saying the bride was her best friend, she just met the groom and she hopes we have a good time visiting the East Coast. 😂

Now imagine her saying this in one big run on sentence with a beautifully done face and she was serious as hell. And very drunk.

We told her to be careful since she was getting off 2 floors above us and left the elevator in tears at how she isn’t going to remember any of this in the morning.

We made it to our suite and was casually chatting with the door slightly ajar when who should bust through with a gentleman right behind her, but our newest friend. She began running around our room, went to the window and began banging it to get the attention of her friends below and then She turned and did a full flip on our sofa!!

I’m watching this in morbid fascination as she ran up and hugged us all individually saying nothing that made sense. The poor young man who was with her said he was trying to get her safely to her room and emptied her cup of “juice” in our sink while she wasn’t looking.

She became agitated when she realized her sippy cup was gone but he managed to calm her down and ushered her out our doors with a look of worry on his face. He didn’t know her well but it seemed he was the one concerned enough to see she had enough and was trying to get her to leave the partying and go to her room.

No dice.

Not 5 minutes later, we looked out the window and there she was skipping out below…  I lowered the blinds so we could retire for what was left of the night because she was having none of going to sleep.

I hope her friends cared enough to see about her because she traveled from another state and she is going to feel the effects of her drinking spree in a few painful hours.

I thought of my children as I watched her and prayed they both had enough presence of mind to manage themselves in a way that wouldn’t compromise their safety and well being should the choose to drink socially and that they would be with friends that cared enough about them if they had one too many.
My youngest has been the designated driver a few times while his friends drank and I am proud of him for being responsible and choosing to take care of those he is with.

That young lady will get an earful I am sure about her inebriated shenanigans based on the looks she was receiving and hopefully a lesson is gained as a direct result. 

What a night.
Dueces and mad love, diva

DIVA UPDATE!!!  So we ran into the young man this morning as he was checking about at breakfast and we called him over, thanked him again for his selfless behavior and he was so touched, he pulled out his cell phone and asked if he could record me for his mother!!😂😂 I happily obliged… please meet Toby. A gentleman in every sense of the word. We hope miss inebriated is praying  to the throne Gawds right about now.

The Five Second Rule…

Mister and I share and banter with each other like no other as evidenced below. I posted this conversation  on my facebook page last year…..

So I’m fussing at hubby about making up the bed if he leaves the house after me and was winding up to give my reasons why when he walked over and lifted both my arms..

Me: what are you doing?
Him: looking for the “return” sticker. I know you have one some where. I signed a money back guarantee for you.
😳😳😳😳😳
The look on my face made him drop my arms and laugh so hard, I cracked up too despite myself…😂😂😂😂

It ain’t THAT easy to return me buddy…

Every single day, we go back and forth and howl with laughter because we so appreciate the genuineness we share with each other.

We also have this steadfast rule that we chat on Saturday mornings before the world is awake and get caught up on our week. His days are 16 hours long and one would be hard pressed to catch me this side of the continent as I travel around for work.

Stay with me because this is good.

After reading an article this morning, I turned to him and asked if he believes men should be the one to approach women and not the other way around. He paused and replied “we should never paint a broad brush over anyone or anything. It’s nice for us men to go seeking what we desire but it is equally nice to be desired ourselves. I think it’s okay for a woman to show interest if she has it.”

“That is interesting and I am so glad I asked you. So what makes it difficult for men when the like a woman?” I asked.

“When they are deliberately coy and play hard to get to the point where we turn the corner and get someone else. It should not feel that difficult.” 

He shifted and looked at me and began to remind me how we met. He remembered key things like what I was wearing, what I said to the audience in the room but he was more struck by my authenticity and kindness to the people around me and wanted to know me better.

We cackled and howled to the blue corn moon when he said for a whole week in 2015 he simply did not like me for purging the house and throwing away everything.

We got to reminiscing when he shared about the one week we didn’t speak very early on in our relationship because we were upset with each other and he said it felt like the longest week of his life. He knew without a doubt then, he was going to figure out how to get me to marry him. I confessed I missed him horribly too.

He shared he cried for almost an hour on our wedding night because he was so filled with gratitude to finally have a wife who he could share everything with and would love him no matter what. He said he prayed hard for this to happen but when it did, he couldn’t fully express his happiness and it came out in tears.

We spoke about these misnomers floating around that people follow instead of their own soul which is why unhappiness abounds.

He took my hand and said  “do you know why we have not once had a full blown argument about anything? I believe in the 5 second rule. If we take time to process things and not allow our emotions to spew negativity, anything is workable. I love you enough to never scream at you and I am certainly not going to lob obscenities your way. Not only would you not hear the message that would be lost in the screaming, It’s disrespectful to you and us as a couple. You are everything to me even when I drive you nuts.”

Lord Jesus. Did I say I love him?  If  more couples would talk things through, we could all deal with the crap life throws our way. My husband and I have had our fair share but he always reminds me that at the end of the day, we are it and he will die protecting what he prayed so hard for.

Now.

When you are able to feel a love like this, what does one do but return it?

I can’t ever tell anyone who they should choose but what I can say is this- see beneath the outer package and look at the heart and soul. Too many well dressed, well packaged empty souls are walking among us that can do untold damage if we aren’t careful.
Dueces and mad love 

Diva

Trick or treat?

I often wonder if we fully grasp what it means to have a long term relationship with anyone. It could be romantic, business  or platonic in nature but they all require work in order to sustain them fully.

I look around me and see these relationships fall apart for many reasons but it all came back to not maintaining the health and viability of your partner.

Someone asked me a question last week that led to my  wanting to delve into the romantic aspect of relationships here.

When we first meet and begin the process of getting to know a person, we should check the temperature of those feelings regularly by asking ourselves things like 

What are my motives?  

-Do I truly like this person or is it something to do that deflects/detracts from loneliness?

– What shared values do we have beyond the initial attraction?

-Will we openly communicate in ways that works through any issues that will arise?

– Am I in this relationship to rebound from a failed one?

You get the gist right? 

The way we enter a relationship, sets the tone for how it flows and it still requires work and checking in with each other regularly because life will get in the way.

Unhappiness breeds all kinds of malcontent when not addressed in a timely fashion.  When we add marriage to the mix, that flame goes way up because you are now dealing with blended families and lord knows, everyone has an opinion whether you asked for it or not. 

Leave and cleave is not a cute catch phrase. It really means something. If you gotta run back to momma every time you have a question, how do you develop relationship with your spouse?

If you allow your children to dictate your lives through whatever means they choose to employ, that will cause a serious rift.

If you gush about another person without fully acknowledging and routinely appreciating the one that lives with you, it’s cause for a situation.

Do not invite the opinion of others into the seriousness that is your life. Learn about your mate enough to know when to draw the line and pull back with compromise and love.

We say that we know  relationships won’t be a bed of roses but the first time we get pricked with the thorn of life and see blood, we run for cover  and end what could be a long term partnership 

The flip side of that is hanging around and grasping at someone who consistently shows you with their actions you are not valued.

A relationship that begins on shady ground will feel like a trick from hell. One that is nurtured becomes a treat that keeps on giving. You decide through your choices.

Know thyself. Love thyself.

Dueces and mad love,

Diva 

The Hot chocolate Trollop that took my man

I have been married for a little over a year now and in that time,My husband and I have been purging our living space which was his home for over twenty years before I got there.

I wasn’t fond of the space as it was but since we didn’t live together for the entire five years  we dated, I gave no energy to it beyond trying to help him organize it during his annual holiday party.

So when we jumped the broom and we  decided I would move in with him, I had no choice but to begin looking closely at my new home and I literally sat on the front steps and cried not knowing where to begin.

But to know my level of tenacity, is the recognize that once my tears dried, I rolled up my mental and physical sleeves and got to work.

The house was gutted and the main rooms painted with vibrant colors. Some appliances were replaced, the outside had a new driveway and the entire front facade redone along with planting a new garden. The basement was gutted and redone, plumbing and electric updated. And so it went. The house had taken a huge turn for the better and I was happier.

So when I said to my husband 7 days ago that it was time to replace one chair in our living room, he didn’t argue and said go ahead.

Well I began doing research and found what I was looking for except I didn’t just buy one chair. I found the perfect sofa and then went about seeking a love seat that would be just right for him. I found it too. Dark chocolate and soft as butter.

They were delivered 24 hours ago and when my husband got home, he was slack jawed with shock and when he sat in his new chair, the look on his face was worth the surprise.😄

So when I texted him today in response to his query on how I was doing, it took him a while to respond and this is what I got from him “Doing well. I’m sorry to tell you that I have a new love in my life. 

She’s long and smooth, with a nice chocolate body. I took Advil and fell asleep on that love seat, and I didn’t wake up until 11:45.”

😂😂😂😂😂

I have been replaced by a chocolate chair!! He can keep her since I will know just where to find him on any given day.

My consideration of his wants has left him super happy which makes me super happy..

And that my dears, is how we compromise to a better place.. wonder what I’m Going to do next… you just have to wait and see..

Dueces and mad love,

DivA

Delayed is not denied….

When I think of how much my life has changed in the last 20 years, I can safely say I’m beginning to grasp the concept that delayed doesn’t mean denied and if we trust the process we are in, we will see it was all for our good long term.
That job you thought you had to keep because it pays your bills but you got laid off and was surprised to see it was designed to happen just that way because you wouldn’t have otherwise stepped out on faith and become even more successful?
Delayed is not denied
That man you just KNEW God sent for you and you scratched and clawed to keep him even as his actions said otherwise. It finally ends and you mourn him thinking there isn’t another soul worth having only to meet someone who made this Other person seem like a joke?
Delayed is not denied
Those days when you could barely scrape the rent money together, you had no car to drive and small children to take care of in the middle of an awful Divorce only to look up years later and life is good?
Delayed is not denied.

In order to turn the corner from life’s tragedies, you must first be willing to do your own work to healing and that may mean forgiving the people who hurt you, learn from the mistakes, choose wisely, be open to taking risks and have faith.
The alternative is staying mired in the hurt and disappointments only to look up and realize your delay did indeed become your denial because in the end you can’t change anyone but you and nothing grows in a stagnant state.

Ya dig?

Dueces and mad love,

Diva

Ima need you to unpack that rat sir…

The other day, I saw what could only be described as a shiny new toy in our basement and wondered who it belonged to  because it  couldn’t be ours. So I asked mister.
Me: babe, is that a weed whacker I see downstairs? Does it belong to our landscaper?

Him: no it’s ours.

Me: how sway? When I first got here, the weeds were taller than me in the back yard (no exaggeration) and the front was a disaster. I have never seen you touch, pluck or move a Blade of nature. What sense does that make?

Him: if memory serves me, it just needed a long cord and there is nothing wrong with it.

Me: but you are not using it so why do we have it again?

Him: it’s brand new.

Me: from 10 years ago and never used. Give it away.

Him: you know I can be a pack rat. I keep thinking I may need stuff down the road.

Me: I’m going to need you to unpack your rat because this house is void of your junk and it will stay that way if you want peace on earth.

Him: give me a week. If I haven’t figured out what to do with it, then we can get rid of it.
Lord have mercy. Did I say he was HIGHLY allergic to pollen? I have never seen him cutting grass etc as a direct result so I am stumped on why there is a weed whacker holding up a corner like glorified trash! I could feel him bristling at the thought of not keeping this thing he may never use but that’s how we start a collection of things we don’t need and an occasional purging is healthy for my mind and his body.😂😂😂😂
Speaking of trash- my husband and I keep having this one sided debate about it and who should take it to the curb on disposal days.

I see nothing wrong with dragging it to the curb but he is adamant that he will do it the night before.
Slight problem.

 He usually gets home so late that he’s dragging himself and while he takes all the trash he can find out, he usually misses a can or two. 
Last week, he missed them all.

My side eye on stun

So what is a sister to do? Keep in mind that I have lifted barns, helped to pull a plane and all other sundry of things but in THIS house, he believes it’s one of his roles because he doesn’t want me handling the trash cans.
I need someone to gently hold his hands and bring him into this century but in the meantime, I made an executive decision and dragged what is now two weeks worth of garbage out to the curb.
I’m praying he says nothing beyond thank you so I can keep my “I was ONLY trying to help YOU buddy!” Attitude firmly in check😂😂
When he’s home and can take it out, by all means but I’m not helpless and this is one less thing he has to consider if I make it home before him.
That’s what marriage is all about right? Collaboration, picking up the slack, not counting roles and supporting  each ther.

I keep telling you all- this isn’t for punks so stay the course and don’t get distracted by the little things. Like trash.

Deuces and mad love,

Diva